Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager
Director: John Luessenhop (Lockdown, Takers)
Year: 2013
“Family’s a messy business. Ain’t nothing thicker than blood.”
Growing up, I always loved horror movies. Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween. I loved them all. As I grew up into a teenager, I started to realize there were more “old-school” horror films that I haven’t even heard of yet. One of those films was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I first got exposure to this classic in the summer of 1999. Upon scoping out a friend’s VHS collection (not everyone had DVD’s at this time), I found this among the many films that he had owned. Based on the title alone, I immediately asked my friend if we could watch it. He was too happy to oblige.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the film, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was partly inspired (not based, there’s a difference) by the story of Ed Gein, the notorious man who killed multiple women and made various items out of their body parts. How the chainsaw part came in, here’s what happened: Director Tobe Hooper hated Christmas shopping crowds and once thought that a chainsaw would be a good way to escape the crowds.
From all of this, Tobe developed a script about a Texas backwood family who engaged in grave robbing and cannibalism. The most notable character was the cross-dressing, chainsaw wielding, dancing maniac known only as Leatherface.
For me, the movie was not only awesome, but terrifying. Most of this can be chalked up to the style of film making and lack of soundtack, making the film seem like more of a snuff film than an actual movie. Throughout the 40+ years of its existence, Texas Chainsaw Massacre has retained its status as a horror classic. Along with its success came more films:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, again directed by Hooper and starring Dennis Fucking Hopper
Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (Viggo Mortensen has a role)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, a “sort-of remake/sort-of sequel directed by co-creator Kim Henkel, starring Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger
The 2003 remake, produced by Platinum Dunes and starring Jessica Biel
The Beginning, a prequel to the remake starring Jordana Brewster
Reactions have been hit-or-miss to each one of these films. It seems that everyone’s opinion varies between each film. I personally have not seen the 3rd film and did not care for the remake’s prequel. My favorite follow-up has always been the 2nd one. Dennis Hopper owns in it and the transition from serious horror to horror-comedy was great.
And then, there was Texas Chainsaw 3D.
Oh,boy. This one is gonna be rough, at least until this comes out…
The film starts off immediately where the 1974 original ended. Once Sally Hardesty escaped the Sawyer clan, the police decided it was time to apprehend Leatherface. Here, we have Sheriff Hooper (GET IT?) who looks like Yaphet Kotto, arriving at the Sawyer house and asking Drayton to give up his son.
We then cut to the inside of the house, where the Sawyer patriarch (played by Part 2’s Chop Top, Bill Moseley) isn’t so ready to sell his son out to the police, despite pleas from relative Boss Sawyer to “give up the boy.” If only Drayton had listened, he’d save us from this dumpster fire of a film. But, hey! What does Boss know? It’s not like he knows what it’s like to be in Leatherface’s shoes, right? RIGHT?!
I rest my case.
Anyway, Mayor Hartman arrives with a posse of his hillbilly friends and decides to take matters into his own hands, killing the entire Sawyer family in a firefight.
Killing the family wasn’t enough, so the house is then burnt to the ground, ensuring that Drayton, Boss and even Grandpa won’t be returning in another sequel. But, what’s this?
It looks like a member of the family survives and asks for help.
Sir, sir! I know this is Texas, but I’m pretty sure that a swift kick to the face isn’t considered “help.” Mr. Boots decides to take the baby and raise it with his equally hillbillish wife. Fast forward to 2013 (Almost 40 years later) and the baby has grown up into the beautiful, close-to-40 looking Heather Miller, played by Alexandra Daddario.
Um, that girl looks awfully young to be pushing 40. Does this take place in that time frame?
Heh, gas prices seem to fit that time period. I need more proof.
A cop using a smartphone flashlight. Hmm. Maybe one more piece of pro-
Fuck. Hold on. Maybe this girl is close to that age. Let me just che-
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Like REALLY?! This woman is almost 30 years old. So we have a 26 year old woman who is known for playing characters in their early 20’s playing a near-40 year old woman. What are you going to tell me next?!
NO. FUCK NO. I hope I’m done with this soon. REAL SOON.
Anyway, Heather is chatting it up with her best friend/slutty horror archetype Nikki, who goes on about thanking Heather’s boyfriend for hooking her up with his friend Kenny. Blah, blah, something about crepes. Blah, blah, vacation. Blah, blah, I’m going to have a slutty costume for Halloween. Don’t believe me? These are actual things that the two talk about. Wonder what Kenny looks like.
Oh, lord. The term “fuckboy” came to mind even before I saw this guy’s face. Heather’s boyfriend should be a step above this dickbag.
Of course. I almost forgot about Trey. What better way for a “rapper” to make his entrance in a movie than by showing off how “hard” he is.
In the process of bumping uglies, Heather and Trey (Ryan, to be exact) are interrupted. Heather finds out she has inherited a house from her recently deceased grandmother.
So, the four friends take a Volkswagon (GET IT?!) and travel to Texas. Along the way, they decide to pick up a hitchhiker (GET IT?!) named Darryl who has a backstory almost as soggy and forgettable as his shirt. Finally, they arrive to the house on Homestead Road
They arrive to the HOUSE ON HOMESTEAD ROAD.
The house has a strong gate around it, but the gentleman Heather meets up is more than happy to tell her that the passcode is 0819, “like an event” (GET IT?!) and stresses that Heather read an important letter from her dead grandmother. Heather reads the letter, realizes her cousin is Leatherface, he’s alive and locked in the basement and nobody dies!
Fuck letters! They’re like e-mails or texts on paper. “Get wif thee tymez, old peepole lolz.” Heather decides to go grab shit in town with her friends and lets Darryl, THE FUCKING HITCHHIKER, look after the nice house with a ton of valuables in it. Guess what happens? He tries to steal everything. Guess what else happens?
He lets Leatherface loose and takes a hammer to the face.
And so begins the reign of terror. The actual reign of terror, not the terror of watching this shitstorm. That started about 25 minutes ago.
This is a bad movie. Calling it a bad movie makes other bad movies look good. I didn’t see it in theaters, but the posters and trailers looked good. Did you see the posters at the top of the article? They looked badass! I loved it and was optimistic , but found myself getting more mad by the minute.
I also want to discuss 2 more things: A subplot and the worst lines of the film.
No one gives a shit about the douchefuck sheriff, so I’m not saying anymore about his dumb ass.
Nor do I want to talk about his dumb son, WASTED BY SCOTT EASTWOOD.
I’m also not going to talk about the “oh, I ripped your shirt open while you weren’t wearing a bra on and your tits are out” scene.
Instead, I will talk about this bullshit:
Trey Songz satisfying every bigot’s stereotype of “cheating on his white girlfriend with another white girl” and “being the dumb black guy.”
While grocery shopping, Nikki decides to grab Ryan’s junk.
Ryan doesn’t seem too happy about it and tells Nikki that “it was only one time” and that “he was really drunk that night.” Whether or not this was during his relationship with Heather, we’ll never know.
LOL OK, Mr. Hard Boxer.
Nikki then claims that Ryan “wanted it” and “was begging for it.” The sexual harassment continues when Nikki lures Ryan out to the barn…
…And takes her clothes off for him.
Right now, this “matriarchal oppression” should be offending men left and right. Except, men don’t do that. DOUBLE STANDARDS, EVERYONE! This leads to the picture above of Ryan fastening his belt with his shirt off and Nikki wearing it! He wasn’t a good guy, in the end! He was a scumbag!
(Cue the bigots applauding)
Let me guess, one of his songs is featured in the movie, too? SURVEY SAYS:
The director must have a hard on for rappers.
This all leads all up to Nikki yelling to Leatherface one of the many horrific lines of the film…
“WELCOME TO TEXAS, MOTHERFUCKER!”
Oh, boy. If this were a music album infomercial, that track would be right up there with another hit…
DO YOUR THING, CUZ!
When it comes to Texas Chainsaw 3D, I felt like I was experiencing one of the iconic scenes in Lars von Trier’s Antichrist. Imagine yourself getting a handjob (work with me here, ladies). Now, it’s not the best thing men can imagine, but it still serves its purpose. You take the handjob (another TCM sequel) and accept it because you will get satisfaction from it (as a fan). Next thing you know, the climax is all bloody and makes you suddenly detest something you once liked. Now, whenever you crave that satisfaction of re-watching one of the other films, your mind will always be tainted with the memory of that bloody climax (this film).
Tobe Hooper must hate this film…
FUCK. YOU. FUCK YOUR RANDOM TIDBITS AND QUOTES, TOO.
I guess the moral of the story is: Don’t trust Grandpa Walt.
Yes, I know it’s Richard Riehle. Fuck the previous moral. Here’s a better one: READ YOUR FUCKING MAIL.
You tell ’em, Tom Smykowski.
Rating: 0.5/5
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